Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
