and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
