After last night, I could never be a politician.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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