I'm sorry my penis didn't work
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
