We need to rekindle our bromance
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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