I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
