I don't usually arrange sex via text message
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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