Barsexuality is the new black.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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