My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
