I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
