Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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