I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
