dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
