If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
