Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
