You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
