Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
