I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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