Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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