Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
