It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
