she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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