I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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