I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
