i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
