i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
