just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
