Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
