Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
