There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
