I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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