I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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