Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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