How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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