I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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