my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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