I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm eating all of the evidence.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just high enough for therapy.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
