Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i've created a new STD.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
