I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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