I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
