i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
