A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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