Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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