so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
