The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
