Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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