Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
