Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
