well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
And then he peed in my hair
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