It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
