Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
