Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
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